11.02.07

Living

I am having a hard time right now.

You guys know me. I tend to be happy, and ok. But I also have my moments of down. The two R's are my best friends. They are also together, and I'm really happy for them. But I don't know. I spent Tuesday night with the male R, along with one of my coworkers, and things were cool. I went home that night, and I just fell apart, emotionally. I've not been communicative since then, and people have started to worry.

I don't know. I have been reading, and thinking, and watching some TV. I am starting to think that I just need to distance myself, but I don't know how to do that without hurting people. the female R got so upset about me dropping off the grid that she called work tonight. She isn't happy with me for having done that.

I need me time. I also need to get closer to someone else. I need less stress in my life, I don't want to get bitched at at work, I don't want to worry about my asshole of a boss. I don't want my friends worrying about me when one night I decide to give them a together night, and then fall apart enough that I need a me break. I guess next time something like that happens, I should let them know.. but at the same time, I was curious how non-communicative I could get before someone worried. I'm glad it was the R's that worried first (as they would be the most effected..) but I almost want to disappear for no good reason again. I'm feeling less...wanted and loved these days. I think if old-school CEA were still around, I'd have run to you guys.. But I also don't know what I would've said. I'm missing my life, and regretting stuff that is happening, and stuff that didn't.

I'm two inches from going into the self-help section of the store, and plopping my ass down and reading until I understand what the hell is wrong with me.. not that I think it really would help.

I don't know. I need to sit and talk to myself. Stop being so apathetic and lazy, and just... Live. Too bad I have such a hard time talking myself into that.

Also.. have I mentioned the issues with insomnia I've been having? gah. Staying up late is not supposed to be my thing anymore.