23 March 2003

Self Hate

At the moment... I'm feeling very critical of myself, so I am going to look at the things I don't like about myself..

Lets see.. the first thing that comes to mind is that I torture myself. I have this really annoying habit of not letting go of stupid things that I've done. I look back, even to like, pre-highschool days, and think 'OHMYGOD! Why does so-and-so even put UP with me! I'm such an idiot, there are fifteen different things I could've done that would've been better.. Why can't I keep my huge assed mouth SHUT??' and shit like that. I hate doing it to myself, and yet, cant stop. There's other things I do, like for I will start off doing fine in a semester, and then suddenly, I'll start sliding, but I'll fix it.. and because I fixed it, somewhere down the line, in that same class, I will screw up. MAJORLY. Why? because I torture myself.

Another thing I do is I talk way bigger than I act. I make all these huge plans, or just act like I'm making these big plans... and then I do nothing. Case in point? Moving to Jacksonville.. The plan was, Amanda moves to Jax, gets a job working with her roomies, and pays the pet deposit, gets cable, goes to UNF in the spring, and perhaps even starts paying insurance. The reality is, Amanda moved to Jax, lazed around for a month or two, couldn't get a job with her roomies, lazed around another couple of months, actually got an interview in late December, but never went to it, applied for school, but didn't realize she had to apply for forgiveness, so isn't in school this semester, lazed around a bit more, got another interview, went but didnt get the job, and still hasn't really looked for a job again. GOD i'm such a slacker. I hatemyself sometimes.

I really sometimes can't understand how people stand me. I dont think I'm all that pretty. I have a horrible personality, i'm selfish, i'm lazy, ...but I'm perky! happy! *sighs* sometimes people just don't see that inside stuff.. I wish they did. Think about how different the world would be if people could see others inner pain. But I guess that's just it. No one wants to see anyone else's pain. Just their own.. and sometimes not even that. Some people thought this layout was too 'dark' for my personality.. but I say it fits.